Community Service
by nedthejanitor
Summary: YamiMarik and YamiBakura are arrested and they have one last chance to save themselves from a prison term. The conditions may make them rethink jail, however. Will they survive this punishment? Are you in suspense? Didn't think so.
1. The Last Resort

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, I write too many stories about them, though.

It was a day like any other. Yami was dueling for the fate of humanity with both Bakura and Marik in a Shadow Game.

"Ha ha, we have you now," Marik boasted.

"Okay, Heart of the Cards, guide me," Yami began whispering to himself, "Please, help me cheat by calling on your magical powers to place a real kick-ass card on the top of the deck when I draw!"

"Hey, you cheating little shit!" Bakura hollered. "Are you using the Heart of the Cards **again**?"

"Uh... no, don't be silly!"

Marik jumped in. "Bullcrap! We heard you mumbling to no one in particular over there!"

"Hey, I'm insane, that's why I do that!"

"Then get out a damn cellphone or something!" Marik suggested to the pharaoh. _(Don't ask me how he knows what a cellphone is.)_

"Yeah, just because you're insane, doesn't mean we want to be!" Bakura added.

Yami began to chuckle furiously at the overwhelming irony of Bakura's statement.

"What?" Marik roared impatiently, at least fourteen veins popping out all over his face.

"Oh, uh, nothing, I was just speaking to the Heart of the Cards again!"

"**A-ha!**" Bakura pointed at Yami. "So, you admit it!"

"Drat!" Yami's inner monologue snapped. "My clever strategy has been foiled!"

"Just draw a card!" Bakura impatiently tapped his foot.

"Okay!"

Yami drew a card and immediately did a fistpump.

"Yes! I play Monster Reborn to revive my Big-Ass Monster Zombie Duck Thing that you killed with your Trap Hole!"

"Oh, no, not the Big-Ass Monster Zombie Duck Thing!" his two opponents yelled.

"My Piping Hot Breakfast Burrito can't survive that!" Marik cried.

"Neither can my Gruponeh Ogre Talon Buckethead With Three Brains And A Complex Patten Carved Into His Crotch!"

"Big-Ass Monster Zombie Duck Thing," Yami began, "use your Made Up On The Spot Attack Name and wipe both monsters out at once, completely defying the rules and confusing the kids who watch the show and play the card game!"

Big-Ass Name destroyed Yami-Marik and Yami-Bakura's monsters and threw the two evil duelists into the blue sky.

"Looks like Team Psycho's blasting off again…" Ding.

"That'll teach them!" Yami walked away from the scene. "Now, I must be off, there are minds to go crush and I've gotta do the crushin'!"

As Yami went off to ruin people's lives in the name of Duel Monsters, Marik and Bakura were standing at the street corner in the dirtiest part of town, eating the filthiest food they could get their hands on.

"There's a head in my Chicken McNuggets," bitched the crazy Egyptian. "I'm gonna sue!"

"Sporting good idea," Bakura replied.

Marik paused. "Did you just say 'sporting'?"

"Cursed British accent!" Bakura pouted. "Anyways, you should go and sue the bastards!"

"Hey, stupid, we can't afford a decent lawyer, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Besides, no one would believe us. We maim too much people to be trusted."

Marik's face brightened. "Hey, do you remember that time we stole some lemon salt?"

"That was fantastic!" Bakura laughed. "We went around all day tossing it into peoples' eyes!"

"Priceless! The best one had to be when we tossed it into some huge guy's eyes and he started crying!"

Bakura wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. "Oh, yeah, those hospital bills we had to pay after he beat us silly were worth all of it."

Marik sighed. "It's a shame, really. We aren't having as much fun as we used to have."

"Yeah, we used to be a real threat. Oh, well, at least we both have our dignity. That's something the bastard pharaoh can never take away."

Marik nodded, then looked over to his left."Hey, here comes a customer!"

A police car pulled up next to the two villains.

"Go act sexy for them, no matter who they are!" Marik urged his partner in crime.

"But it's a police car!"

Marik scoffed. "So? Policemen get very lonely, that's why there are so many prison rapes!"

"The policemen aren't the ones who do it, the inmates do it!"

"Look, just go over there!"

"You're the one who's gay, you go do it!"

Marik facefaulted, and veins began to erupt from his forehead. "I will have you know that I am not gay! What led you to such a ridiculous notion?"

"Oh, really, you aren't gay?" Bakura sneered. "How come I walked in on you stroking it to a Boy George poster?"

"She is a female, and a very hot one, you fucker!"

"No, he isn't! He's just a very effeminate man who cross-dresses and has a British accent!"

"Like Ryou?"

"Precisely."

Marik's hand went up to his forehead, trying to rub the filth out of his brain. "Great, now I feel confused about my sexuality!"

"Here's an idea," Bakura began to scheme, "Go with the cop and let him have his way. If you enjoy it, you're gay, and if not, you're just really stupid."

Marik puffed out his chest. "Very well."

Yami-Marik walked over to the car as the officer rolled his passenger side window down.

"Hi there! Looking for a good time?"

"No, I'm looking for a very evil man named 'Seto Kaiba,'" the somewhat clueless lawman replied. "We finally got over the fact that he got whooped in a duel and realized he almost murdered an old man by dueling him, which makes no sense whatsoever., but fuck it, it's better than chasing around you guys half the time."

Marik purred while Bakura, who was standing not too far in the background, tried to hold back his simultaneous vomit and laughter. "You can cuff me anytime, baby..."

The officer's face scrunched up like a prune. "Get in the car, now. You're under arrest."

"Ooh, someone likes to roleplay! You got it."

"Bring your friend along too."

"Damn it!" Bakura raged.

"You heard the man!" Marik called to his buddy.

The Yamis got into the backseat and went off with the policeman. What danger awaits them? Who can say?

TO BE CONTINUED!


	2. Rusty Cage

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but if I did, I would have named it something better, like "Toilet Monsters: Revenge of the Friendship."

The duo, Yami-Bakura and Yami-Marik, were riding together in the back of a cop car. They were both aware of the fact, by now, that this cop wasn't out for a good time at all.

"Damn it, that hurt when he punched me," Marik growling, rubbing his face.

"I told you that the cop wasn't out for sex," Bakura said under his breath.

"Oh, shut up! You said nothing of the sort!"

"Yes, I did!"

"Don't argue with me!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'm gonna-"

The police officer had just about had enough of the two villains' antics. "You aren't doing jack shit back there!"

"How in the hell do you do jack shit, anyways?" Marik asked the officer.

"I'm gonna pull this car over right now."

"No, don't spank me, daddy!" mocked Bakura.

The two Yamis laughed at the hilarious joke, because it was hilarious. At least, it was, until the cop really pulled over and pistol-whipped the hilariousity out of both of them. Ouch. They were silent for the remainder of the trip. The car pulled into the police station and, due to their atrocious criminal record, they were put into jail together. Isn't it wonderful?

"Hey, look, there's a rat in here!" Marik pointed from his bunk on the top.

"Well, it's certainly better than the food they've given us now." Bakura muttered.

"No, we aren't going to eat it! I'm going to keep it!" Marik said, climbing down from the bunk to catch it.

"Why in the hell would you want to keep a rat?"

"Well, because they're one of the most loyal pets you can have! Discovery Channel told me so!"

Bakura put a hand over his mouth. "Oh, God, it's finally happened."

"What?"

"You're going through jailhouse madness!"

Marik's eyebrows elevated. "What's jailhouse madness?"

"It's when you befriend everybody else except for actual people!"

"You just made that up, didn't you?" Marik growled, putting a hand on his hip all sassy like. Bakura completely ignored Marik's cynicism.

"When you have jailhouse madness, sooner or later, the wall becomes your neighbor, the bed becomes your lover, and if it's a bunk bed, then the top becomes your secret lover, and rats become your best friend!" Bakura got up, coming closer to the other man. "But worst of all... you recall uninteresting television programs!"

Marik shuddered all of a sudden, becoming half-convinced. "Oh, God, what if you're right? I may already be too late! I mean, I am talking to you, after all!"

Bakura frowned. "Uh, Marik, you've always talked to me."

"Oh shit, the symptoms are taking effect!" Marik dropped to his knees. "Curse you, paid-for sexual activities! Curse you to **heeeeelllll**!"

Bakura, having had enough of the joke, tapped his pal on the shoulder. "Uh, Marik, I was joking."

"What?"

"God, you're stupid, it was a joke!"

Marik got up and, dusting himself off, got up right into Bakura's face. "You're an asshole, you know that, don't you?"

"Well, you look like one," Bakura sneered back.

Marik pouted, realizing he was missing something. "Bakura, you scared my rat away, you son of a bitch!"

"What? I didn't do shit! You were the one screaming like a little girl who overdosed on helium! _(Don't ask me how Bakura knows what helium is.),"_ Bakura fought back. "Besides, my mother was a saint! I have sex **regularly** with your mother!"

Marik lunged at the pale man. "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"I'd like to see you try!"

Just before they could make any more idle threats to each other, a guard walked up to the bars and started bitching at them.

"Shut up in there, goddamnit!"

"You can't make us, we're safe inside a cage," Marik replied.

"I can come in there, I've got keys, you fucker!"

"Go to hell, we can take you!" Bakura hissed, walking up to the bars and rattling them.

Marik, seeing the guard reaching for his keys, quickly tried to tame his overboard cohort with a sound "Shut up, you idiot!" But it was too late. The guard unlocked the door and stomped in, preparing to beat the hell out of them. However, before he could, the lights shut off inside the police station. While the guard was distracted and stumbling about, Marik and Bakura double-teamed him and tried to get the keys from him. However, the guard took very quick action and shoved them both to the ground as the lights flickered back on. The situation escalated into a full-fledged brawl, which the guard was winning. Finally, Bakura tackled the guard while he was trying to get Marik off of his back, literally. The tackle knocked the keys right through the bars, which meant that the guard was stuck.

"Oh, great," the guard snarled, "now what?"

Marik shrugged. "We could keep hitting each other."

"No, I'm sick of doing that."

"Well, I'm going to sleep," Bakura stated, climbing into his bunk. "When I wake up, I'll be out of here, anyways."

"How do you know?"

"I'm a spirit, I'll find a way."

Bakura turned over to stare at the scratched-up wall and was soon snoring away, leaving Marik with the guard, since he was nowhere near tired yet and still looking for the rat.

"You know, we aren't going to last too long in here," the guard said after a long, awkward silence.

"What do you mean? It's just one night."

"No, I mean, without sex."

Marik turned his full attention from looking for the rat to the guard "I can last one lousy night with no sex, and from the looks of it, you have for years."

"Listen, you know it's only a matter of time before one of us decides to throw their inhibitions to the wind and-"

"Wait, you aren't suggesting-"

**"Shut up, drop 'em and bend over!"**

**"No, get away from me, you fucking crazy person!"**

The crazed guard proceeded to chase Marik in a circle around the cell.

"Bakura, wake up!"

"Hey, that's a good idea; let's wake your boyfriend up!"

"**He's not my fucking boyfriend!** For shit's sake, it's only one night!"

"Let's make this night count baby!"

"NOO!"

TO BE CONTINUED…


	3. The Trial

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but I own one dirty diapee. Who among you will embark on a quest to... pick it off of the ceiling, it's stuck.

As it were, Marik spent half of the night running from the guard, and the other half bashing him with his own nightstick. So, understandably, Marik was a small bit upset when he's waken up after an hour of sleep the following morning. His voice was also very, very hoarse from barely being able to catch his breath while he was running from the guard during that horrible experience.

"My God, what happened?" One of the morning guards asked the fatigued Marik.

"_That bastard right there tried to rape me, so I stole his nightstick and made him sleep just like I wished that I could."_

"What? Rape you? He's one of our most trusted men!" Exclaimed the other guard.

"_I don't give a f-"_

"Oh, it finally happened." the first guard muttered.

_"…uck."_

"What do you mean?" the other guard asked.

"See, Mike has been going through a painful divorce, and as we were getting ready to leave after bringing these guys in, he was staring at them and at one point I noticed him licking his lips. I should have known what he was going to do, and I should have stayed here and stopped him."

"_Well, why didn't you?"_

Yami-Bakura woke up at long last because of all the talking, though he managed to snore through Marik's terror-drenched screeching the previous night.

"_It's about goddamned time, Bakura!"_

"What are you yammering about?" Bakura yawned, rubbing his eyes and looking around. "What's wrong with your voice? How did you manage to knock out this guard? What's his nightstick doing on the floor? What's going on?"

"We'll be the one asking the questions around here, son," the first guard said.

"Did Mike do anything to either of you?" asked the second one.

Bakura got up from his bed and gave the guard a confused look. "...Mike?"

"_I made sure he didn't touch either of us, even if it meant running around this cubicle like a fucking retard for several hours! What were you two thinking, letting a mentally unstable guard watch us alone?"_

The second guard sighed, adjusting his hat. "We came over here to bring you to trial, but now we're thinking of just letting you go back to your home-"

"I choose that."

"Shut up, Bakura, we weren't talking to you."

"_No, I want to go to trial; I want to say a word or two about this bullshit." _Marik began pacing in the cell, ranting like the madman he was._ "You two are supposed to **guard** us, that is why you are both called guards, not leave us in the hands of a potentially dangerous psycho! Damn!"_

"Very well. Let's go."

"Right now? But we need a lawyer and we need-"

"We're going now," the first guard said, reaching for his keys.

The guards let Marik and Bakura out of the cell and took them to court in the police car. When they got there and walked into the court, they noticed something very odd about the place. Oh, and, Marik's voice was back to its normal deep, scratchy-sounding self by that point.

"What is this place?" Marik asked.

The bailiff, a light green-skinned man-lizard with horns, spoke up while walking past Marik to get to his post next to the podium. "You're in DBZ court. Today, we've been rented out to do your case, because we've recently won an award for 'Getting A Bunch of Reviews and Stuff.'"

Marik gasped. "You're hideous!"

Cell stopped halfway down the aisle and turned around, glaring at the defendants. "Hey, I will not stand for-"

"That's awesome!" Marik elaborated.

"Say what?"

Bakura even further elaborated. "You're a 7-foot lizard! That's one of the best things I've ever seen that isn't a millennium-item-induced hallucination!"

"Uh, thanks, I gue-" Cell turned around, remembering that Justin, the judge, was just now getting ready to be seated at the podium at this time. "Oh, it's time."

"Time for wh-" Marik began, but Cell had already made his way to the right of the podium.

"All rise for the judge!"

Justin, the judge, walked into the court room and sat down at the podium, trademark look of bored cynicism dug into his face.

"Okay, I already know what today's case is," he said. "Marik, explain why you're here, anyway, because fuck it, I have time to kill."

"I'm here for illegal prostitution, but I almost got raped in prison," Marik growled, "by a goddamn guard!"

Justin shrugged. "Okay, that sucks, but you still landed your ass in prison-"

"My **ass** was almost violated in prison, you shit!"

"Well, erm, numbnuts, you were selling said ass on the street, so you shouldn't be talking." Justin shuffled some blank papers around in order to look important. "Now, it's almost lunch, and I want to get this bullshit out of the way. Since Cell's kids all got parvo, I'll be the jury just for the day. I declare you both guilty, but due to Yami-Marik's mishap with the guard, I'll go ahead and lighten your sentences. You'll be serving community service…"

"Yes!" Both of the defendants did a high five.

"…as monitors for the Kindergarden bus."

Marik got pause. "Wha-?"

"Yeah, this community needs some people guarding on the bus because, nowadays, these little middle school bastards are becoming renegades, with all of them just teaming up and attacking the bus driver, and hey, as scary-looking as you two dudes are, you'd be perfect."

Bakura got up from his chair next to Marik behind a desk and snarled at the judge. "I take offense to that, you little-"

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry, do you want jail?"

"No…"

"Good. You'll start Monday morning at 6:00 A.M. Case closed."

Justin banged down the gavel and the two Yamis left, preparing to face their ultimate doom… the last 7 or so chapters of this story.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. When You Were Young

Disclaimer: So, here we are again. Yep, the last chapter just didn't sink in well enough, did it? Do you honestly fucking still think that I own Yu-Gi-Oh? Well, I don't. I'm not afraid to use caps lock next time to make my point clear.

Okay, the ten bus kids will be introduced in this chapter and the next, here they are just for reference:

Jesse: Girl. Throws stuff at people when they annoy her in the least. Total bitch.

Jerry: Picks fights frequently. Asshole.

Mary: Kleptomaniac (means she really likes to steal stuff.) Probably going to be in juvie.

Jim: Big and stupid. Hates girls. Probably going to be a rapist.

Bert: Skate punk who questions authority all the time. Very intelligent. Fucking annoying.

Consandra: Transfer student from Canada. One of the only two well behaved kids. Total pussy.

Damien: Satan worshipper who vandalizes frequently. Also hates authority. Probably going to start a pop-punk band and get his nipple pierced, then start wearing guy-liner well into his 30s.

Derek: Other well behaved kid. Also, is a bit nerdy so he's picked on the most. Useless.

Laura: Preppy girl who speaks loudly. Always arguing with Damien. Slut.

Garrett: Angriest and most bitter kid on the bus. Positively insufferable.

All of the kids are in middle school.

Marik and Bakura were in their apartment, not together, since they took turns every day between the bed and the couch. They've both woken up at 7:00 AM and are having their cereal.

"Why in dick shit is there a noodle in my cereal?" Marik grunted.

Bakura's eyebrows raised, realizing he had screwed up. "Uh... that's a very good question… uhh… Oh, yeah, I bought the new 'Sugar Noodles' cereal. 'A sugar noodle in each bowl,' according to the commercial-"

"You forgot to wash the bowls before using them, didn't you?"

"Well, serves your dumb ass right, since you shrunk all of our clothes a week ago!"

Before fists could be raised, the bus arrived at the house and honked its horn.

Bakura turned to Marik. "Okay, hiding time."

"Dryer?"

"Uh-huh."

But, alas, before they could get around to hiding, the phone rang and Bakura answered it.

"What?"

The judge's voice was on the other side. "Hey, I was just calling to make sure you were getting on the bus."

"No. You can't make us, you aren't a real judge."

"Oh, but see, if you don't get on the bus, Bailiff Cell is going to come to your house and turn the tops of your heads into nicely-carved cereal bowls."

"You can't do this to us!"

"I've been in the process of doing it to you since yesterday."

Bakura shrieked with manic, impotent fury. **"Fine, we're going! _I wish I were never born!"_**

Bakura slammed the phone down so hard a piece flew off and then he stomped to the door, fuming. Marik just sort of stared at him. "Psycho."

Marik followed Bakura to the bus and they both got on.

"What's up?" The driver asked non-chalantly.

Marik looked closely at the driver, recognizing him. "Hey, aren't you from that lousy superhero movie? Sky High?"

"It was a documentary, the government wanted to keep it a secret because-"

Bakura interrupted, unsure what Marik was talking about because he doesn't occasionally watch the Disney Channel like some kind of damn man-child. "Who the hell are you?"

Ron stood up from his driver's seat and flashed them his ID card. "Ron Wilson, bus driver."

As the two community servicers proceed to roll their eyes and walk over to their seats just behind the driver, Ron started up the bus and drove toward the first house.

"Wait, why aren't you driving superhero kids to school?" Marik asked after a short period.

"To tell you dudes the truth, I got kicked out for smoking reefer. Hell, you know, it made me feel like a superhero."

"Reefer?" Marik questioned.

Before Ron could explain, Bakura piped up. "Hey, there's no kids on the bus."

"Oh, I have to pick you guys up first, it's a court order."

Marik's eyes burned with mild enthusiasm and he sneered. "Perfect. This is gonna be easier than beating up an armless cripple, and I should know."

Ron merely shook his head. "You have no idea, guys. Trust me; you should've just gone with prison."

"Bullshit," Bakura drawled, "those kids better get ready for the ride of their lives."

Ron stopped in front of the first kid's house and honked the annoying horn.

"This chick here is going to be one of your biggest problems. Trust me; she's almost inhuman in her attitude."

Bakura's eyes narrowed. "We, however, **are** inhuman in our attitudes."

The girl walked out of the shit heap house and got in the bus.

"Hi, Jesse, and how are we today?"

"Shut up. Who are these losers?"

Marik responded with a shit-eating grin. "We're the losers that you have nightmares about!"

"Well, at least you admit that you're losers."

"Nice going, Marik," Bakura hissed under his breath.

"They're the bus monitors, and their job is to make sure that everyone behaves."

Jesse snorted, very un-lady like. "Yeah, right," she tossed over her shoulder and walked over to the back of the bus as Ron, already up to his neck in anger, started driving again.

Marik shrugged. "Well, on the bright side, she's as far away as humanly possible."

"Uh-huh. One down, nine more to go."

"Only ten kids ride the bus?" Bakura questioned.

"Yep, we had twenty-five at the beginning of the year, but by Christmas most of them were kicked off."

"Ha, and we're supposed to be worried- ow!" A stapler fell on the seat behind the monitors after connecting with the back of Marik's head. Marik craned his neck around. "Hey, what the hell did you do that for?"

"Because I can hear you talking through my headphones, so shut up!"

"You're lucky that this had no staples in it! Do that again and I'll- OOF!"

Marik tripped and landed in Bakura's lap because the bus had came to a halt so that Ron could pick up Jerry, the second kid. "Get off, fuck nut," Bakura growled as Marik bolted up from Bakura's legs and sat quietly back down, attempting to preserve his dignity. Jerry, the second kid, stomped onto the bus looking ready to kick ass.

"Hey, Jer-"

"Don't even say anything, Ron."

"I was just going to say 'hey', man."

"What, you want to start something?"

Bakura cleared his throat, attracting Jerry's attention. "If you're going to start a fight, try not to start it with the bus driver, kid."

"Who are these guys?"

Marik re-introduced his ever-popular shit-eating grin. "The feet that will be in your ass if you don't sit down."

"You want to be in my butt? Homo." Jerry left the two in stunned silence and sat a few seats down from Jesse.

"...Kids are sharp around these parts," Marik muttered to Bakura.

"Are you sure that you aren't just stupid?"

"Go to hell."

As Mary, Jim, and Bert were picked up, it had became increasingly clear that this was really more than Marik and Bakura bargained for.

"That stupid girl took my pencils!" Jim whined from the seat right next to Marik and Bakura, pointing over to Mary sitting right behind him.

"Here, take them, they aren't even sharpened, nitwit."

"Hey, at least I... uh..."

"No arguing on the bus!" Marik randomly snapped.

"We have every right to!" Bert popped off, sitting across from Jesse.

Bakura shot Bert a look. "Well, I have every right to spit directly into your mouth, does that mean I should do it?"

"You don't have the right to do that."

Marik sneered. "Who's the idiot **now**, Bakura?"

"Is it Mary?" Jim asked.

"...No." Bakura noticed something missing from his pocket. "Hey, where's my lucky Dark Necrofear?"

Mary took it out of her backpack, not wanting to get into it with the insane-looking Bakura. "Here, it's a little bent up."

Bakura took the card and smirked to himself. "I like that girl, she's a promising thief."

Bert, ever the listener, caught Bakura's comment. "She didn't have the right to steal that pen, you shouldn't praise her."

"Get bent, shrimp!" Bakura snapped back.

"Name calling? Setting a real good example, aren't we?"

Marik and Bakura only groaned in agony as the bus stopped to pick up the sixth kid. Will they make it? I dunno, shit.

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. Yellow Submarine

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, because if I did, I wouldn't have named it something that is a huge pain in the ass to type.

Oh, by the way, bonus points to the person who discovers the trend that's been going on in each chapter. First person who guesses gets... hell, I don't know, pretend I give you a new car. Maybe, if I feel like it, I'll review one of your stories.

The rest of the kids had been picked up and the bus was now beaded for school. Unfortunately, the last kid's house just happened to be about eight miles from the school, so Bakura and Marik were forced to attempt to calm the kids down for the long trip.

"Alright, you little dick-knockers!" Bakura's scream resonated. "Now I'm really pissed!"

"First off, Damien," Marik pointed him out, "quit etching pentagrams into the seats!"

"I need it for the ritual I'm performing on Laura, so why don't you just back off before I make a few for you guys?"

"Like, whatever!" Laura made a dismissive noise with her lips and presented her hand to Damien as if to say "talk to the hand."

Damien gritted his teeth, staring daggers at Laura. "What makes you so stupid, anyway? Did your mom drop you on your head when you were little?"

"You're the one who's stupid!" Laura argued back. "How can my mom, like, drop me on my own head?"

Damien groaned. "No, stupid, you don't get it. I meant your mom dropped you with your head on the floor and, uh- she- ...damnit!"

"Talk to the hand."

Bakura turned to look over at Laura. "That brings me to my next point. Laura, please shut up forever! You're voice is loud, and you usually say really stupid things when that hole in your head opens!"

Laura gaped at the fuming Brit. "You guys are, like, rude!"

"We're, 'like', **convicts**!" Bakura retaliated, mimicking Laura's self-imposed valley girl speech impediment. "Convicts who are cornered into a bus with little monsters, and we will whip this fucking madhouse on wheels into shape!"

"Oh, I'm shaking," Garrett sneered.

Marik got all up in Garrett's grill, son. "You will be, when we chunk your ass off the bus."

"Hey, that's great, threats of murder," Bert commented.

Marik, in an attempt to backtrack from his previous statement so as to not get in serious trouble, turned around to Bert. "Kid, you really try to be intelligent, but you obviously don't know a joke when you hear it."

"That didn't sound like a joke."

Bakura came to the Egyptian's defense. "And you don't sound like a worthless cock-gargling sack of maggots, but you are."

"O my gosh, you guys quit being so mean to Bert," Laura protested. "He didn't, like, do anything to you."

Marik's teeth grinded together and he went over to the front of the bus to make a little speech. "The days of you kids being jackasses to each other and the driver are going to cease as long as we're around. We don't give a damn what you brats do outside of this bus, and after our sentence is over, we won't care if you blow up the bus or not-"

"Unless I'm not in it," Ron added.

"Uh... yeah, sure."

Bakura stood by Marik and continued where the other man left off. "But, as long as we're on this bus and we're **stuck**, you bastards are going to calm down, do as we order, and get over yourselves- **ow! Damnit, Jesse that was a big calculator!**"

"You should shut up, because I just missed my favorite part of this song because you're talking too loud."

Bakura sauntered over to Jesse. "I'll shriek right in your ear if I please, because you'll run out of crap to throw before you can knock me- **OWWT!"**

Jesse pegged Bakura square in the forehead with a baseball out of her backpack. Bakura stumbled around and fell to the floor, unconscious.

"Nice shot!" Marik laughed. "But you're still getting-"

"What? Written up?"

"I was going to say 'getting used to throwing heavy objects.' Me and Bakura are too apathetic to write anyone up."

With that revealing statement, the bus simultaneously erupted into a giant hellhole full of noise and shit being thrown, not literally. Luckily, the bus came to a halt at the school after about 30 seconds of the horror. The kids ran out, stepping all over the still-knocked out Bakura in the process. After all of them were gone, Marik kicked Bakura in the chest lightly to wake him up.

"Urgh..." Bakura stood up and rubbed his bruising head, "are we in hell?"

"No, we're in this bus, although I can't imagine hell being much worse."

Ron smiled sympathetically. "Hey, I'll give you guys a ride back to your house."

Ron started up the bus and the drive back to Marik and Bakura's house began!

"I think it's awesome that you guys have managed to keep your composure after this long," Ron said. "Usually, the old monitors all cracked the first time Jesse hit them with something."

"Why doesn't anyone do something to these little pricks?" Bakura snarled.

"Well, the school does, but they normally don't stop until they're kicked off. Even after that, I still see kids hitting buses with rocks."

"They ever hit yours?"

"No way, man. I keep mine hidden in a secret hiding place."

Marik just yawned. "Wow, how the hell do you deal with it?"

Ron stopped at Marik and Bakura's house.

"Here, take this. It's the reason I keep my bus hidden. I think you guys can be trusted with it."

Ron handed Bakura a small baggie full of weed. Bakura scoffed. "Weed? We've never needed this, and we don't need it now."

"Dude, trust me, once you try it, you'll realize that it's awesome for staying calm when it comes to handling those little heathens. It's the only reason I still keep this job. There's a little paper with instructions on what to do with it under the weed. I'll see you guys at 3:00."

Ron let Marik and Bakura off the bus and drove back to the school hoping that he hadn't just made the biggest mistake of his life.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. Purple Haze

**Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh is not my property. Therefore, I could not tell you to get off of my Yu-Gi-Oh, because unlike my lawn, I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh.**

**Sorry for the gigantic delay, I've been doing some summer shit, but then I got bored, so I guess it's back to doing this! I'M SO EXCITED! Oh, yeah, this and all my other stories will no longer be in script format, because apparently, it's fricking illegal.**

Bakura and Marik's apartment. Well past midnight. They are WASTED LIKE SHIT.

"Hey, man, you ever wonder why dogs drink out of toilets?" Bakura asked Marik.

"I always thought it was because they were thirsty, or... uh... something." Marik responded, eyes even more bloodshot and scary looking than usual.

"No, man, they have their own water bowl they could drink out of. Why the toilet, man?"

"Uh... er... uuhhhh... maybe, because it actually tastes good?"

"Only one way to find out, man."

So Marik and Bakura headed to the bathroom. Oh, God, I can't believe I'm typing this.

"You first, Marik," Bakura instructed.

"Dude, no way, man, it was your idea," Marik said back, mustering all of the spine he possibly could in his state.

"Marik, dude," Bakura said slowly.

"What?"

"Dude."

"...What?"

"You know what would be cool if you did it?"

"What, man?"

"Drink out of the toilet."

"Oh, okay."

Marik bent down and tasted a little bit. Then looked up, with a face that suggested that he just bit into a pickle with a nuclear holocaust inside of it.

"Bakura, dude..."

"What?"

"Did you, like, piss and forget to flush?"

"...Maybe."

Mariks promptly spat it up onto Bakura's pant leg.

"Whoa, man, not cool!" Bakura whined.

"Thanks a lot, Bakura, now I'm going to need five more pizzas to wash that down." Marik whined as well, standing up and continuing to make a sour face.

"Good idea! Let's get more Pizza Hut!"

Bakura rushed over to the phone and dialed the number.

"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, how may I help you?" asked the phone guy.

"Yeah, can I order five large meat lovers?" asked Bakura.

You could almost HEAR the guy on the other end of the line roll his eyes. "Oh, god damn it, it's you guys again. Look, you're going to PUKE if you keep eating like this. You've already ordered ten pizzas tonight, in two separate orders."

"No, man, those didn't have enough meat on them."

"There was more meat than actual pizza on the last batch!"

"Look, I swear, this will be the last time we order any pizzas tonight."

The guy paused for a second. "Fine. Will there be anything else?"

"Make it six... pounds of meat on each pizza instead of three."

"...Fine. It'll be there in two hours, and you'd better have a tip this time."

"Hey, sure."

Bakura hung up. Marik emerged from the bathroom after forgetting where he was for a second.

"Well, what now?"

"We can't leave the house, the pizza guy will be here in two hours... oh, I guess we can leave the house then. Do you want to?"

"I don't feel like going anywhere. What's on TV?"

Bakura flipped through the channels and found some old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Marik and Bakura proceeded to laugh their asses off for two hours. Then the pizza guy knocked on the door.

Marik stood up, "I'll get it." He answered the door to the annoyed looking delivery boy.

"Here's your five impossibly heavy meat lover pizzas, that will be $63.65."

"Dude, let me show you a trick first."

"Whatever, hurry."

"BLLAAARRGHGHGHGGHHH! YOU'LL BE PAYING FOR OUR PIZZAS OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK!"

Marik transformed his face to look really veiny and twisted. The pizza guy dropped the pizzas, emptied his bladder into his pants, and screamed all the way back to his car. Marik brought the pizzas to the couch and they dug in.

"Man, are we out of weed?" Marik asked.

"Yes, we are." Bakura stated, simply.

"Crap, when do we have to go to community service?"

"In about four hours, it's three o' clock right now."

"Shoot."

Marik and Bakura fell asleep after watching more cartoons. They woke up, and both puked up from eating so much food. Then the phone rang, making both of them jump ten feet in the air and grip their aching heads.

"Shit, it's probably the judge!" Marik grumpily shouted from the bathroom.

Bakura answered the phone. Ron is on the other side of the line.

"You guys ready to go?"

"No, we're sick. We can't go today.."

"...You smoked every bit of that weed in one night, didn't you?"

"I don't remember. Yeah, I guess so, it's gone."

"I gave you guys that stuff to smoke before work, so you'd be relaxed while dealing with the kids!"

"Okay, we'll remember that."

"Okay, I'll give you just one more bag, but you HAVE to be conservative with it. And you HAVE to be ready to go when I get to your house. Okay?"

"Fine. We'll be ready."

Bakura hung up the phone and groaned, rubbing his head some more.

TO BE CONTINUED I'M SORRY THAT THIS CHAPTER WAS SO POINTLESS.


	7. Dead on Arrival

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh does not belong to me, and honestly, were you surprised?

Okay, I see that nobody has guessed the theme of each chapter title. They're all song titls. The first person that guesses which one wrote each song gets... an E-cookie.

Marik and Bakura walk onto the bus when it shows up, and collapse onto the front seats the minute they walk in.

"Don't fall asleep, you guys, there's a job to be done." said Ron.

"Ugghh... if you don't mind, we want to get a little sleep before we get to the first house." Marik slurred.

"Yeah, we got about 2 or 3 hours of sleep, give us a break." Bakura said, about half asleep.

"No can do, you guys have to be alert when they come in, they won't give you a break." Ron said, trying to jar them awake.

"5 more minuughgghhh..." Marik falls asleep where he sits.

The bus arrives at Jesse's house, and Jesse gets on the bus.

"Why are they laid out like that?" Jesse asked Ron.

"They got no sleep last night."

"Well, good, then they'll be quiet."

"Kiss my... uhhh...uuuh." Bakura started to say, but went out before he could get it out. Ew.

Jesse walks to the back of the bus. A few minutes later, Jerry gets on the bus and sits down. About five kids later, the bus has erupted again, forcing Marik and Bakura to wake up.

"Okay, you little SHITHEADS! SHUT UP!" Marik roars, silencing everyone on the bus.

"Are you going to make us?" Bert asked cynically.

"Listen up, you dickfaced little sack of worthless garbage, just once, JUST ONCE, give us a goddamn break! We got almost NO SLEEP, and we don't feel like dealing with you right now!" Bakura screamed into Bert's face.

"As soon as you can find a way to make me, I'll shut up."

"To hell with this!" Marik declares, as Derek gets on the bus.

Marik punches Bert as hard as he can in the arm, and grabs him up by the collar.

"You have NO IDEA how much HELL me and Bakura can bring you! We have the power to throw every kid on this bus into an infinite abyss of indescribable torment and pain, and right now, we're in the MOOD to send a kid or two into that place!"

Marik shoves him back down into his seat. Bakura goes over to Bert, who is clearly shaken.

"Now, what are you going to tell mommy when she asks you about that bruise?" Bakura asks Bert, menacingly.

"I... fell." Bert says.

"Good. Very good." Bakura walks over to where Marik is sitting and they fall asleep again.

"That... was... the COOLEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" Damien screams out to no one.

The last two kids get on the bus, and a ruckus is made anew. Damien and Laura are arguing, Mary steals Bert's skateboard, but Bert doesn't do anything about it. So Marik does.

"Give me that, Mary." Marik snatches the skateboard away and gives it to Bert.

"Hey, bitch, maybe you should quit talking, then I wouldn't hate you so much!" Damien teased... yeah, couldn't think of a better verb.

"You're so mean, it's no wonder you have no friends and stuff." Laura shot at him.

"The darkness is all I need."

"He he, I like that kid. Hey, Garrett! Quit messing with those two kids!" Marik commanded.

"Derek and Cossandra? Who gives a damn whether I mess with them or not?" Garrett snidely asked. Bakura gets up and stand next to Mark

"Listen, I've said this before, and I'll say it again: We could give one crap less what you do while we aren't around, but as long as were here, we want ABSOLUTE ORDER! And that means, NO BEING SHITTY WHATSOEVER! If you want to pester those kids, do it on your time, not ours, because we aren't going to DEAL WITH IT!! Am I clear?" Bakura asked.

"Screw you, I'll do what I want, when I want, and how I want to. And no British albino or crazy hobo will tell me what to do!" Garrett shouted back.

"Crazy hobo? You WANT to be sent into eternal abyss?! Because I'll do it!" Marik threatened, his hand on his Millenium Rod... you know which one I'm talking about, you pervs.

"Abyss?! Do you honestly think you could make my life shittier?! Listen, I live with my DAD! My drunk, angry, abusive dad, who almost ran over me when I was nine, who always buys a six pack for my birthday, and for Christmas I get a goddamn CIGAR! See this mark on my head?! It's from him knocking me out with a baseball bat when I tried to break my curfew of 5:00, and if it wasn't for the fact that he was sober, he'd have beaten me to DEATH! So don't you DARE tell me you can make my life worse!" Garrett rants at Marik, pointing a shaking finger at both of them. Then he sits back down. Marik and Bakura look at each other, then bust out laughing.

"WHAT?!" Garrett screamed bitterly.

"We know you're full of shit, kid, Ron told us about your dad. You live in the suburbs with a dad who works as a janitor and your mom who doesn't work. You're poor, not abused, you lying crybaby." Marik said, chuckling.

"Yeah, Ron told us you'd try to pull that, and you did. So, congratulations, you just embarrassed yourself in front of an entire bus full of sixth-graders." Bakura sneered, going back to the front of the bus as the bus pulls in front of the school. After the kids get out of the bus, Ron hands Marik another baggie.

"And this time, don't use EVERY BIT OF IT." Ron emphasized.

"Okay, whatever." Bakura said halfheartedly.

"See you at 3:00!"

Ron drops Marik and Bakura off at their place.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	8. I Like Dirt

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh isn't mine. But I'll sure butcher it as much as I can.

Okay, three kids are taken out of the story in this chapter, so here's a recap of the list of kids:

Jesse: Girl. Throws stuff at people when they annoy her in the least.

Jerry: Picks fights frequently.

Mary: Kleptomaniac (means she really likes to steal stuff.)

Jim: Big and stupid. Hates girls.

Consandra: Transfer student from Canada. One of the only two well behaved kids.

Damien: Satan worshipper who vandalizes frequently. Also hates authority.

Laura: Preppy girl who speaks loudly. Always arguing with Damien.

New morning in Yu-Gi-Oh land! Marik and Bakura walk over to the bus for their community service, again, WASTED LIKE SHIT! They sort of stumble awkwardly onto the bus and sit in the front seats, goofy looks on their faces.

"Great, you look relaxed. Makes the job a hell of a lot easier, trust me..." Ron said shakily.

"Man, are you feeling alright?" Bakura asked Ron, who was twitching violently.

"M-me. N-n-no, I'm just p-p-peachy. He he he..." Ron said, trying to call attention from his odd new nervousness.

"Smoke any, man?" Marik asked.

"N-n-no, I'm out right now..."

"Dude, make one of the kids give you a back rub." Bakura slurred, chucking loudly. Before long, Marik and Bakura were laughing their Egyptian and fangirl-worshipped balls off, all at that one comment.

"Hey, before we get to the first house, I should mention that now we only have seven kids." said Ron, almost at Jesse's house.

"Awesome, which of the three hellbeasts are gone?" asked Marik.

"Uh, Derek, Bert and Garrett."

"Who?" Marik and Bakura asked simultaneously, then chuckle because they both said something at once.

"Uh, the good kid, the skater, and the angry kid?"

Marik and Bakura stare at him dumbly.

"...The wuss, the loudmouth, and the dickhead?"

"Oh, okay..." Bakura trailed off. "Who?"

"Never mind. Here's the f-first house."

Jesse walks onto the bus, takes one look at Marik and Bakura, and shakes her head, walking to the back and putting on her headphones.

"Oh, uhh... hi." Marik said half-heartedly.

"You were off by about fifteen seconds, you idiot." Jesse said, turning on her iPod.

The other kids all come on, and the bus is now hell. Marik and Bakura are, of course, not giving two shits. The driver, however, is giving three shits, two to make up for Marik and Bakura.

"Please, kids, calm down!" the nervous driver pleaded.

"No way, this is anarchy!" Damien screamed, tossing an apple at Laura. Laura responds by leaping at him and scratching his face repeatedly.

"Down, kitty!" Bakura yelled at Laura. More ass-laughing off came from that comment, funny, because it was not funny in any way whatsoever. The driver continued to quiver as Marik and Bakura finally got up to calm the bus down.

"Okay, uh... be quiet!" Marik yelled over the noise with as much seriousness and authority as he could muster, while Bakura peeled Laura off of Damien.

"Now, we understand that, uh, you're kids and everything, but when I was your age-" Marik started, being interrupted by Bakura.

"WHEN I WAS YER AGE, BACK IN 1423, MAH PAW TOOK ME TO THE CORNFIELD AND MADE ME PICK ALL THE ANTS OUT OF THE CORN FOR 17 HOURS A DAY! AH WAS ONLY PAID 4 CENTS AN HOUR, BUT BAH GAWD, I LIKED IT!!" Bakura shouted in an exaggerated old man voice. Of course, this only caused Marik and Bakura to laugh like idiots again while the bus exploded with more "anarchy."

Finally, Ron pulled up to the school and let the kids out, then went to his secret area, where we proceeded to curl up into the fetal position.

"Dude, we know something's wrong with you." Bakura slurred. "Tell us what it is, man, we enjoy that kind of stuff."

"You enjoy others' pain?!" Ron screamed.

"Ummm..." Marik and Bakura stood there, going "uh" and "err." You know, the works.

"No?" Marik asked.

"Maybe?" asked Bakura.

"Oh, nevermind! I woke up this morning and went to the bus. I opened the little compartment where my weed was, and the bag was GONE!! GONE, I TELL YOU!" Ron screamed.

"No way, man! Who got it?!" Bakura demanded.

"I have no idea, if I did, I would've got them already! I don't know what to do!!"

"Well, why can't you just get more?" Marik asked.

"I'm not worried about that! What if it was one of the kids who may have snatched the bag after I dropped you guys off?! I may get fired if they decided to tell one of the teachers!! This job's all I've got!" Ron said, starting to sob. Bakura rears back and slaps Ron in the face to make him stop crying.

"Listen, man, you've got to get a hold on yourself!" Bakura commanded, shaking Ron. "Look, you got to stop worrying! You can go somewhere and get another lame bus-driving job! What's important is getting more weed! But, more importantly, you need to bring the culprit to justice! This isn't a matter of getting a new stupid job! This isn't a war over getting more weed, even though that's important. But what this is, Ron, is a battle in the name of cannibis! In the name of marijuana, I say FIGHT! FIGHT to get that stolen weed back, FIGHT to destroy the one who did it, and FIGHT FOR YOUR POTHEAD BRETHREN!!" The whole time Bakura was telling Ron this, Marik was in the background humming inspirational tunes to fit Bakura's speech.

That's when Ron hatched his plan.

TO BE CONTINUED!!


	9. The Long and Winding Road

**Disclaimer: This here cartoon belongs to my redneck buddy Clifford.**

So Marik and Bakura were sitting outside of their apartment as Ron talked to them about his ingenious plan over some old prison wine they made to pass the time when they were in the Shadow Realm for a year after one of many disastrous attempts at defeating Yami in a game of Duel Monsters.

"This shit is bananas, guys. B-A-N-A-N-A-S." Ron said about their wine.

"Thanks." Marik said. "Turns out Bakura was a master at it in his time."

"They didn't call me 'why are there toilets in Ancient Egypt' Bakura for nothing..."

"No, I didn't mean that as a compliment. This sucks."

"Well, damn, it's prison wine. What do you want, freaking Juicy Juice?" Bakura asked, slightly offended.

"So, what's the plan again? I don't want to forget." said Marik after finishing his glass.

"Okay, I get my weed from a white collar dealer at a clinic working as a doctor. But, the problem is, he was fired when they found out about him, and it won't be long before they get it out of him that I was one of his biggest customers. So, due to having nothing left to lose on my part, and not giving a shit on your part, we will sneak into the clinic tomorrow at one hour before it opens, make our way to the room where he kept his shit, get as much as possible, then we will take my old flying bus I had while driving for Sky High and fly out of Japan, exploring space with our almost limitless supply of weed." Ron explained, giving high fives at necessary points during the explanation. "Any questions?"

"Yes. What if the cops already found your dealer's stash?" Marik asked, hand raised.

"There is no way, man. He has it stashed in a place so brilliant and secretive, that no person would ever have the cleverness to look inside of it." Ron said. "Now, I'll pick you guys up at 6:00 sharp. Do not be asleep, we don't have the time to wait for anything."

"Crystal clear, gotcha." Bakura said, giving an ironic salute. Marik does the same.

"Okay, guys. I'll see you then."

The next day, 5:56 AM. Ron was driving up to the dusty apartment complex in the middle of nowhere that Marik and Bakura lived in alone. There was no sight of them anywhere.

"I sure as hell hope I won't have to go in there and drag them out. This is very serious business, and if these guys- AAHHHH!"

Ron's rant in progress was crudely interrupted as Marik and Bakura jumped through the windows just behind the driver's seat, shattering them.

"What the fuck?" Ron screamed, stopping the bus.

"NO!" Bakura shrieked in horror. "PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL! DON'T STOP DRIVING!"

Ron looked out of his left window and just happened to notice that a huge bear was following them down the road. Ron put the pedal to the metal and narrowly avoided having a shredded tire.

"What happened? Why were you being chased by a damn bear?" questioned the shocked bus driver.

"Well, after you left," Marik began, "We decided to mix that prison wine with our leftover weed, and... hmmm... Bakura, do you remember what happened exactly?"

"No, don't make me think." Bakura groaned, rubbing his aching head.

"Well, anyways, we woke up under a tree about a mile from our apartment and we started walking back, all confused, and we looked back, and a goddamned bear came out from the other side of the tree we were under and ran toward us! We ran until we spotted your bus coming towards our apartment, and here we are." Marik said, adding dramatic details to the story through the use of hand gestures.

So the gang drove up to the back of the clinic, where there was a locked back entrance. Ron pulled out a key.

"My dealer gave this to me a week before his arrest. He told me, no matter what, to not lose it. Strange. It's like he knew what was going to happen before it happened." Ron mused as he unlocked the creaky old metal door leading into the medical supplies room. Ron then proceeded to lead Marik and Bakura through the rather maze like clinic until they reached an innocent looking door. Bakura eagerly started to grab the doorknob, but Ron grabbed his hand before he could.

"Stop." he harshly whispered. "You were almost electrocuted. My dealer was no fool. He knew that some of his other customers would attempt to break into this room if he ever cut them off, and he cut off a lot of people. At least three of his cut-offs have tried to break into this room, but he never revealed the horrible secret of this room's doorknob to anyone except for me, though he led everybody to this room for his deals, he never let them in. Only I know the location of his stash and how to get to it now. He only truly trusted me. Marik, take your shirt off."

"Ewww, fuck off. I don't want your drugs that badly." Marik hissed.

"No, Marik, that isn't what I meant at all. I need to open this door, and to do this, I need your shirt."

"No. Use your own."

Ron turned to look at Marik from the door knob. "Do you WANT to see my man-titties flop around erotically? DOES IT MAKE YOU HARD?"

Marik sighed and took off his shirt. Ron opened the door, and inside was nothing except...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	10. Fat Bottomed Girls

**Disclaimer: The damned TV show isn't mine, but Kudos to them for selling pieces of paper to people through use of flashing lights and sound.**

...a large fat woman sitting at a desk and working on a computer. There was nothing else inside the room and the walls were painted snow white. While a confused Marik and Bakura edge their way towards the giant woman, who by now was vaguely aware of their comparatively small existence, Ron goes over to one of the walls to open a secret compartment, but he could not find the secret door quite quick enough to stop Bakura's trademark tidal wave of semi-idle threats. Actually, he really couldn't find it at all.

"Alright, Orca!" Bakura started. "Where did you put the stash?"

"Glugghhghg." the woman began to explain.

"Yeah, right!" Bakura shouted in her face. "Don't give me any damned excuses." Bakura turned around to get some back up. "MARIK! Put your shirt on!"

"I don't know, I kind of like the free feeling." Marik said, flexing a bit to show that he had the precise muscle power of a nine-year-old with progeria.

"MARIK!"

"Okay, crybaby." Marik groaned, putting his shirt back on.

"Well, you have the figure of a fucking anorexic ballerina!"

"Why don't you just shut up. You can't handle the flesh!" Marik pointed accusingly while quoting a movie like it was going out of style. After that, he proceeded to look back to the obese woman and realize what an ironic statement he made as a look of mild disgust formed slowly on Marik's face. He stared at every last corpulent detail of the mystery blob's sagging waves of flesh that Marik knew damn well were concealing yellow, earwax-like horrors known by most doctors and physicians and army generals as "too much fucking access fat," and he just became more and more nauseated... and slightly hungry.

"Jesus Christ, how does-" Marik started to Bakura, but was interupted by a loud, offended grunt from the massive beanbag lady who, after grabbing their attention, pointed with a sense of warning to her golden cross necklace before getting back to the computer to go back to .

"...Right. Okay, how does a person get that big?" Marik asked Bakura, both curious and just plain scared.

"Well, Marik, they basically consume roughly enough food to fill the entire center of our planet in a matter of three to four weeks." Bakura explained.

"Motherfucker, I know that!" Marik said. "I meant, how could a person do that to themselves?"

"Probably because they're really sad, a department you and I love to see people take advantage of. Plus, never call me motherfucker."

"Bakura, I'll call you Hopping Janice Pigtails if I damn well feel like it."

"...What?"

"You know what I meant, don't give me that look like I'm an idiot!"

"You're just jealous because I have sleeves to roll up."

"How DARE you make fun of my lack of sleeves? I'll rip your hair out thread by thread!"

"You better not try that again!" Bakura grabbed his hair to protect it from the possible threat.

"I'm not even talking about that hair this time!"

"BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF!" Ron screamed, obviously letting loose some building frustrations. "You two and I are a team, so do the team thing and both of you SHUT IT UP! Damn, where is that compartment... that's it, I'm getting that compartment blueprint paper he told me he kept in his desk. You two play nice." Ron ran off, allowing Marik and Bakura to play their game of Very Bad Cop and Slightly Worse Cop undisturbed.

"Okay, sure." Marik and Bakura say simultaneously while mockingly saluting Ron, whose middle finger promptly returns the favor, before Marik jumps right in with the questioning of their now helpless and somewhat apathetic "witness".

"What does this picture remind you of?" Marik said, holding up a poorly scribbled stick picture with giant boobies to the large lady's sunken-beneath-a-foot-deep-puddle-of-fat face.

"Gurrgu." the lady glanced and shrugged, trying her hardest to keep her inner loving kindness and peace in this room of fit (Ron excluded) sinners.

"Marik, uhhh... questions related to pot, please." Bakura told him.

"Oh, okay." Marik turns around to face Bakura. "Thanks for making me look stupid."

"You don't need me for that job."

"Fuck you very much."

Before Bakura could retort with a "no thanks", Marik went back to shouting like an amplified deaf person at the Human Muffin.

"What was the best high you EVER had?" Marik screamed with urgency.

"HGGHBLARGH!" the woman squealed like a speared wild pig choking on a megaphone and showed her cross necklace to Marik once again, ripping it off and shoving it in his face.

"MARIK! QUESTIONS ABOUT THE STASH OF POT WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF ACQUIRING!" Bakura stomped his feet in frustration over his clueless cohort.

"RGH!" Marik growled and roared at the same time and balled up his stick figure picture, tossing it at the wall just beside Bakura. Bakura picked it up and cracked up immediately after un-crumbling it.

"Marik, do us all a favor and consider pencils your enemy." Bakura said between fits of giggles.

"It relaxes me to draw..." Marik said self-consciously, twiddling his thumbs as if he were being judged on American Idol.

"Dude, is that two eyeballs under her armpits? HAHAHAAA!"

"OH, SHUT UP! That's what everyone knew it was when I showed it to them!"

"Well, if you told a blind person this picture was totally hot and gave it to them to jerk to, they'd touch it and KNOW it was pathetic and silly!"

"Hey, I drew that while I was really young and still inside Malik's body, anyway, so it doesn't count!" Marik protested.

"Okay, do you have any recent artwork?" Bakura asked eagerly, discarding the previous picture.

Marik immediately takes a neatly folded piece of paper out of his right pocket and slaps it into Bakura's hand. Bakura unfolds it, and then smacks his forehead while laughing again.

"Marik, this is a copy of that other picture!" Bakura said.

"Crap. I guess I don't have a copy of that one real good picture." Marik said.

"You want me to take over?" Bakura asked.

"Whatever, it's magazine time." Marik said, taking out a copy of People... or so everyone thought.

"Alright, you bulbous tick. Where did you put the stash?" Bakura yelled into her ear. "Don't make me put a cigarette out on your face!"

"Brlbrlrblrlaaahhhh (farts)."

"Son of a bitch, she is persistent." Bakura noted to himself, hand resting on his chin and one eyebrow raised. Then his face lit up.

"Marik, check this out!" Bakura said like an excited child with a very severe, severe psychosis.

"What? Did you think of a way to get to her?" Marik asked, still reading his magazine, but was ignored as Bakura digged frantically through all of his pockets. "You know, those ADHD pills you were prescribed three months ago are still on top of the refrigerator along with that rotting severed hand and Barbie doll failed experiment, those could come in handy when stuff like this-"

"A-HA! I found it!"

Bakura pulled out a monocle and kept it on his face with one hand, while using the other to pretend to smoke a pipe. Then he pretended to put the pipe in his back pocket and then struck the same facial pose that had inspired him earlier, with the raised eyebrow and hand resting on his chin. "Pretty kickass, eh?"

"First of all, how in the sweet Mose- errr, PETE is that going to solve ANYTHING? Second of all, that badly done pipe-smoking hand gesture is making me DROOL because of the anticipation of what will hopefully be the end result of our struggle in this white room that could very well cave in from the bottom because of this THING it apparently carries within itself at all necessary hours and maybe even more! PLEASE STAY FOCUSED!" At that last word, the fake cover Marik had glued terribly to the front of the magazine chipped of to reveal "Asses the Size of Freaking Montana YEAHH! Issue #355", written by Carl (of Aqua Teen Hunger Force fame) like every other issue of the magazine.

"A-HA!" Bakura triumphantly points to the fake cover on the floor. " I bloody KNEW that was no People magazine, because no issue featuring Tom Cruise on the front page EVER gave me a stiffy!" Bakura pointed out Marik's... trophy, which was quickly vanishing.

"I hate you, man." Marik spat bitterly into Bakura's face, tossing his magazine to the floor and stomping out the door. Hey, I'm a bleedin' poet. Take a look at that!

"Rahghrgnbrbn." the woman smiled, waving goodbye and just generally glad he was making his way towards the door at long last so she can go to man porn websites after Bakura left, unless he stood around for another three minutes. Barfomatic. But, alas, it wasn't to be. Marik came back five minutes later.

"See, I knew that you- oh, poop."

Trailing behind Marik with one hand holding a gun to the back of Marik's wild-haired head and the other hand dragging the body of Ron behind him, Ron having an exit wound visible in his bloated stomach, was an old man of about 65. But the name tag and the ham beast's grunt of excitement and subsequent loud fart caused Marik and Bakura to put the equation together and realize that he was none other than the man himself... the doctor.

"Well, we're thoroughly screwed." Marik's quavering voice echoed through the hard walls of the room, which had become the setting to a tense silence save for an occasional snort of approval from Hogzilla that those damned punks were about to get theirs.

"Ron told you goofy losers that I was arrested, didn't he? Good thing my wife over there on the computer took a drama class, she told him over the phone that I'd been dragged off to jail, and the dumb ape nearly cried! Took it hook, line, and sinker!" the doctor laughed and his wife made a noise that, if you concentrated enough, could vaguely resemble a chuckle.

"Hahah, no wonder you're so tight, you got married to the world record for largest breathing water balloon!" Bakura started laughing, causing Marik to laugh as well. The brief enjoyment of their ill-advised joke faded when the doctor shot his gun into the ceiling to put a cease to their mocking gales of giggling.

"Why, dude?" Bakura's cautious whisper cut through the fear and uncertainty. "He was your best customer. He was like a brah to you!"

"I don't need no damn bra! This man did!" the doctor drops the body of Ron onto the floor as if he were a sack of heavy garbage. "The man that is laying on this floor is an example of wasted human existence. While he's off smoking pot and driving a bus around every day of his cursed life, people like us attain a living through doing something far more useful for society! He consumed and he did not give back, and he was corrected, just as you yourselves will soon be."

"Uhhh... bus drivers DO have a pretty important job if you think-"

"DON'T... speak. Listen. Me and my beautiful wife-" the doctor points into the direction of the unrecognizable-as-even-an-animal whale-person with the desk chair wedged halfway in her ass "-strive each day, and happiness still eludes us. This simple-minded unevolved man has found it through being a smear on this society's constantly-rusting and oil-starved undercarriage, and I'm just doing my job to remind the junkies, potheads, and other dregs of this nation that they live their lives every day under a timer, a clock ticking down a little faster every day, and that, one fine sunny day, they will be grinded into paste and forced to breathe their own air in a cheap coffin until their bodies return to their dust form. ARE YOU LISTENING?"

"Nah." Marik said while in the process of having a finger knuckle-deep into his nose. "Just giving my nasal passages one last cleansing before you shoot me."

"Well, why don't I clean out your ass by shooting into it first?" the doctor growled fiercely, gripping the gun harder.

"Okay. Just do your wife afterwards. I think she soiled herself a second ago." Marik said nonchalantly, giving a secret wink to Bakura, who then gave a wink to the "dead" Ron Wilson, who saw it and returned it, trying his hardest to not make any noise. The doctor bent down to fire into Marik's still-clothed crack, but Ron Wilson jumped up with all the athleticism he had ever mustered since he shot from his mother's baby-shooter and stomped onto the doctor's head, almost killing him. His sumotastic wife struggled to get up and turned towards our three heroes so she could attempt to defend her husband, but Ron used the lone bullet in the gun to shoot the rhino in her well-armored heart, which means he shot her soggy, flaccid and half-drained breast. In shock, she fell to the floor unconscious, damn near starting an earthquake of China proportions.

"Thank God she fell face first." Ron muttered, tearing up a piece of the doctor's white coat to use as dressing for his stomach wound.

"You aren't still going to die are you?" Marik stopped kicking the doctor's body with Bakura for a second to ask.

"Nah, he was a terrible shot, the fucking country-club gun-training program's run by anti-gun activists." Ron chuckled hoarsely, still in pain. After putting the cloth onto his wound, he proceeds to pull the doctor's two rubber gloves off of his hands to put on his own.

"Are you about to do an autopsy? Sounds like fun, but what about the pot?" Marik asked, still just a bit freaked out over having a gun put to his head.

"I'm about to do both of those at once." Ron said, walking over to the doctor's walking beanbag chair of a girl, obviously prepared for some meat work.

"Wait, you aren't about... to..." Bakura started to say, but trailed off when Ron pulled down the horrible thing's dress and permanently wrinkled undergarments, revealing that she was smuggling Mount Everest in her pants and had been since the day she ate her first Triple Meat and Twinkie sandwich. Marik and Bakura watched in stunned horror and repulsion as Ron took out a small spade and stuck it delicately into the inch-wide crease in between her two elephant-sized cheeks, digging out, among other things I'm sure you're more than capable of imagining on your own, a couple of towels, one suffocated corpse of a one-day-old Chihuahua pup, and a maximum-sized air-sealed Ziploc baggie with enough pot to last a year inside.

"No... way... am I EVERRR... going to smoke that." Bakura spoke, emphasizing every other word.

"Why the FFFFUUUUCK..." Marik screeched to the maximum capacity of his vocal cords. "...would your doctor hide pot in his wife's crack?"

"Well, I told you, he had it in a place no one would ever look. It won't kill you, you've been smoking it the last few days."

Marik and Bakura looked at each other, wide-eyed, and then just shrugged and followed Ron out of the room, making sure to meticulously erase all evidence they were ever there.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER...

"I can't believe we're FREE!" Marik and Bakura screamed together to each other after all the kids had been dropped off on 5 o' clock in the evening on their last day of community service, which was also the last day of school. At the apartment building, Marik and Bakura almost got into a fight wrestling their way to the front of the bus.

"Well, guys, remember the plan?" Ron asked.

Marik and Bakura walked out of the bus and stood at the door, with Bakura handing the still full-to-busting bag of weed to Ron.

"Yep." Marik said simply.

"Okay, tell it to me."

"Well, at 5 in the afternoon tomorrow afternoon, you will have your flying device reattached to the motor of the bus and we will be picked up at that point." Bakura stated.

"Yes, and, with a month's supply of food and water, we will take an extended vacation... in SPACE! YYEAAHH!" Marik yelled, high-fiving Bakura so many times, they got bruised hands.

"Right! Well, enjoy your last night on earth for a long while, my friends." Ron said, saluting the psyched Yamis.

"See you then, captain." Marik saluted with Bakura and didn't stop until after the yellow bus faded into the sunset.

It's time to kick this motherfucking show into overdrive.

**THE END**

**Okay, so I originally planned on writing a sequel to this fanfic where they rode around in space, but then I lost interest in the project. If you, the reader, would like to pick it up for some ungodly fucking reason, you have my permission.**


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